Harvesting the Journal

It has been a very busy, roller-coaster week for me. So, I decided to take a break today just to get my perspective right again, relax and enjoy doing the things that I love most. Today, I had spent about 10 minutes looking through one of my journals. As I read it page by page, I couldn't help but to thank God for His kindness and faithfulness. Four years ago, I was anxious and worried about how the future would turn up to be. I'm reminded that today is the future of the past. And I'm still under His great care. Praise God. Reading my journal reminded me that God answers my prayers and my questions of life, spirituality, marriage, relationships, friendships, studies. He works in ways that I cannot see with my own physical eyes. I had many doubts and yet, God patiently addressed them, one by one, so that I could grow in maturity! When I read my journal chronologically, I see that God is unfolding His plans which are bigger and way better than what I've expected and hoped for. You know, it's so easy to forget that He is with us when we are going through a hard time. And I find it so refreshing to give a "pause" to the busyness of life and read my journals that remind me of God's fingerprints in my life. All this while, God has been holding my hand and leading me. Today, I note that God is a creative God. He answers prayers in many ways. And I can count on Him.

Are we driven by fear?

I was sitting at my study desk a minute ago and contemplated on what has happened for the past few weeks. First, I had to get used to 'being physically away from him'. Honestly, it wasn't easy saying goodbye. Second, I had to write my proposal thesis, which is another challenge.

As I was writing my thoughts down in my journal, I noticed a certain pattern emerging. At every crossroads of my life, fear seems to be the top no. 1. E.g. I study hard because I fear that I can't get a scholarship or the minimum results to get myself into a Master's program. I spend hours and hours on my assignment because I fear I won't meet my own 'expectations'. The bottom line is I'm driven by fear.

How many times have you told yourself this?

"I avoid getting into a close relationship because I fear that I end up betrayed by another person like what happened to me in the past."

"I want to be a top student because I fear that my reputation of being 'the' smart student will suffer."

"I don't want to speak in public because I fear that I would be a laughing stock to others."

Our lives are driven by fear, although most of you reading this might deny the fact. At least, I realize mine is and I'm going to do something about it.

It is fear that paralyzes me. It is fear that makes me grip around the steering wheel and let God sit at the passenger's seat instead of making him the driver. It is fear that reflects my lack of faith in God. Fear is a telltale sign that I haven't been exercising my dependence on Him. It acts like chains that clam me down and makes aspirations dissipate like how rain drop falls on the hot surface and vaporize in seconds.

I've been brought up with this popular verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take". Sang the song a million times but never took time to 'savor' it. It is today that God 'takes a cup of cold water and splash it on my face'. Time to wake up..and let go..to have a lil more faith..to break free from my own fears. I was thinking, "Does God even care about my assignment?" And a verse popped into mind, reminding me that God even knows how many hair we have on our heads. He knows us inside out and He cares about every lil thing that happens in our lives.

In short, I feel I have still so much to learn in my walk with God. I've made so many errors and am so imperfect. It is about time to let go and let God lead the way. In the end, I've no entire control in the events of my life. Yes, I do my part but I have to leave the rest to God cos' I can be assured that I'm in the good hands of the Lord with His promises. =)