F-R-I-E-N-D-S

What do friends mean to you?

When I was little girl, a friend means someone who would share their crayons, barbie dolls and toys with me. Friends are people who enjoy spending their play time with me and invite me for their Birthday Parties.

As I grow, the definition of friends became more complex. Friends are common but good friends are rare. We can have more than 500 friends on Facebook but we can only maintain 5 close friendships, in actual. And although you have five close friends, it doesn't mean that you are comfortable to share your private thoughts with them. I just don't know why. Maybe, if I disclose my own side of story, I'm afraid the wrong words would come out. Or, is it that I'm afraid that people would judge me, inwardly. Probably, there wasn't enough trust to hold on to in the first place.

My senior reminded me, one of the reasons why people are looking for counselors to talk about their problems is because they do not see anyone in their lives to give them the unconditional positive regard from their social support. They might have experienced so many criticisms from their closest friends that they withdrew from their social support and opt to seek professional help in the end.

Well, it gave me some food for thought. It is not about giving advice to someone who needs comfort. Rather, it is our willingness to be there for them when they need a listening ear. More often than not, if I'm not careful, my mind formulates advices and 'what to say next' even before the person finishes his/her sentences. Active listening actually takes a large amount of patience. And this is one of the skills that I need to improve.

Goodbye .....

When I was told about my cousin's death, I was not sure how to respond to it at first. I was quite confused because everything has happened so quickly for the past few days. And there's not much space to get a breather. After I heard the news, I tried to recall the last moments and the conversations I had with my cousin. Because he is 20 plus older than I am, I know him my whole life. When I was younger, he gave me an odd nickname, pulled my ears occasionally and told ghost stories to scare the wits out of me. He gradually treated me a little nicer later on. But, behind his 'playful' character, he was a man of responsibility and a person who cares very much for his own family. He was a generous person, who treated us good Ipoh food and scrumptious Chinese course dinners every Chinese New year. :)

It is a devastating news to know that he passed away in his early 40's. It seems so early, too soon.

The doctor said it was liver failure because he showed signs of jaundice and weight lost. etc.

Whatever the reason might be, I am once reminded of how fragile our lives can be. We might be healthy in the morning and by the evening, death may be knocking at our doors. Which makes me wonder if I need to re-examine my own priorities and values in life. Chasing our dreams like getting a job or owning our dream home is probably something that we would like to have one day. But, I am more worried that in the midst of busyness, self-centered ambitions and uncontrolled greed, the heart might grow cold. For when I leave this earth, no one would really bother to know or ask what I have achieved, what my academic qualifications are, what kind of job I have etc. but they will remember what I have done for them, whether I have showed care and love genuinely. From today onwards, my daily question would be "What am I doing today...so that I can make a difference in the lives of others?" So, when the right time comes for me to leave this earth, I am sure that I have touched one or two lives and lived life to the fullest. ;) In the end, it is people that matters. As for now, I live with a grieving heart.

Writing bout Grief. (taken from another unknown writer)

Smile and the world smiles with you. Cry and you cry alone.

I think grief is a very private emotion. Unlike most other basic human emotions which find comfort in expression. Like joy. Or happiness. Or good cheer. Which you can share. Spread around like some magical shimmering fairy light. Or say anger. And hatred. You let it out. Express your self and feel relieved. And then there is love. Which always needs to be expressed and shared for it to grow and bear fruit.

But grief is in a different league altogether. Because it cannot be shared. Or expressed. Or understood by anyone else. And you live it everyday. Through broken dreams and faltering faith. Through unshed tears and dying hope. And yet, I don't want your pity. Or words of comfort saying it will be alright. Which is why I want to be left alone in my grief.

Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams.

Life's Brief Candle

Life is brief and fragile.

Who on earth can live more than 100 years? How fleeting life is.

I can never know when my last day on earth would be.

Or tell when a person will pass away.

Life, death, eternity.

The only thing that separates life and death is a comma.

The only thing that separates death and eternity is a comma.

A punctuation mark that indicates to the reader to pause briefly..just a short while and then, move on.

It isn't a full stop that separates these three.

And because it is only a breather between life and death,

Life is undeniably seen to be short and close to death.

And our bodies are just the shells of us which we would have to leave behind one day.

One day, we are healthy,

and by the next day, we might turn into white ashes and our family grieves.

If life is this short, then, we ought to be grateful for every new day and live life to the fullest.

Harvesting the Journal

It has been a very busy, roller-coaster week for me. So, I decided to take a break today just to get my perspective right again, relax and enjoy doing the things that I love most. Today, I had spent about 10 minutes looking through one of my journals. As I read it page by page, I couldn't help but to thank God for His kindness and faithfulness. Four years ago, I was anxious and worried about how the future would turn up to be. I'm reminded that today is the future of the past. And I'm still under His great care. Praise God. Reading my journal reminded me that God answers my prayers and my questions of life, spirituality, marriage, relationships, friendships, studies. He works in ways that I cannot see with my own physical eyes. I had many doubts and yet, God patiently addressed them, one by one, so that I could grow in maturity! When I read my journal chronologically, I see that God is unfolding His plans which are bigger and way better than what I've expected and hoped for. You know, it's so easy to forget that He is with us when we are going through a hard time. And I find it so refreshing to give a "pause" to the busyness of life and read my journals that remind me of God's fingerprints in my life. All this while, God has been holding my hand and leading me. Today, I note that God is a creative God. He answers prayers in many ways. And I can count on Him.

Are we driven by fear?

I was sitting at my study desk a minute ago and contemplated on what has happened for the past few weeks. First, I had to get used to 'being physically away from him'. Honestly, it wasn't easy saying goodbye. Second, I had to write my proposal thesis, which is another challenge.

As I was writing my thoughts down in my journal, I noticed a certain pattern emerging. At every crossroads of my life, fear seems to be the top no. 1. E.g. I study hard because I fear that I can't get a scholarship or the minimum results to get myself into a Master's program. I spend hours and hours on my assignment because I fear I won't meet my own 'expectations'. The bottom line is I'm driven by fear.

How many times have you told yourself this?

"I avoid getting into a close relationship because I fear that I end up betrayed by another person like what happened to me in the past."

"I want to be a top student because I fear that my reputation of being 'the' smart student will suffer."

"I don't want to speak in public because I fear that I would be a laughing stock to others."

Our lives are driven by fear, although most of you reading this might deny the fact. At least, I realize mine is and I'm going to do something about it.

It is fear that paralyzes me. It is fear that makes me grip around the steering wheel and let God sit at the passenger's seat instead of making him the driver. It is fear that reflects my lack of faith in God. Fear is a telltale sign that I haven't been exercising my dependence on Him. It acts like chains that clam me down and makes aspirations dissipate like how rain drop falls on the hot surface and vaporize in seconds.

I've been brought up with this popular verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take". Sang the song a million times but never took time to 'savor' it. It is today that God 'takes a cup of cold water and splash it on my face'. Time to wake up..and let go..to have a lil more faith..to break free from my own fears. I was thinking, "Does God even care about my assignment?" And a verse popped into mind, reminding me that God even knows how many hair we have on our heads. He knows us inside out and He cares about every lil thing that happens in our lives.

In short, I feel I have still so much to learn in my walk with God. I've made so many errors and am so imperfect. It is about time to let go and let God lead the way. In the end, I've no entire control in the events of my life. Yes, I do my part but I have to leave the rest to God cos' I can be assured that I'm in the good hands of the Lord with His promises. =)

GoodBye is the hardest thing to say.

It's hard to say goodbye, to know that this is the end of his summer and his time with me. We waited patiently for 1.5 years to enjoy this 3-months summer and now, it's coming to an end. For 1.5 years, I secretly envied couples, holding hands in shopping malls and in my own universities. Whenever my girlfriends say she didn't have time for her boyfriend, I told her, "Then, make time for him. He's just a drive away..appreciate it." When it was time for us to be together, we just wanted to make up for the years we've been apart. Go for movies. Take a long walk. Talk. Play games. Cook dinner. Socialize with our friends. =) And we did! All of it.

Being in a LDR has never been easy. When I look back at the years we've been together, I can only testify that it has been God's grace that kept us together and sustained us. I couldn't figure out that this was all possible three years ago. LDR is never part of my plan. This relationship has taught me to put my trust in God, no matter how uncertain the future is. The toughest and hardest news to swallow was when he told me he couldn't make his way home last year due to financial constrain. And he had to call me less often to make ends meet on his side. When he uttered those words, I held back my tears. I wanted him home so badly last year but I had to understand his situation. Anyway, it isn't all about ME in this relationship and I had to put him first. I'm just so glad it was over and this summer was made possible for us, again.

Yesterday night, we talked of all the happy memories we shared this summer. I guess, when we're in a long distance relationship, we tend to appreciate every minute together. I treated yesterday as though it was my last day seeing him. We talked. We laughed. We giggled. We almost cried too.

By now, he should be in Johor, recuperating after a 4-hours bus ride from K.L. And I'm here, typing out whatever that comes into mind. If you were to ask me what was one of the most eventful thing that happened during this summer, I would say, the trip to a virgin island called Pulau Tengah, Johor. There, I met an old couple in their 70's. They were both missionaries. We called them Papa Gill and Mama Gill during our stay. They were the most loveliest, oldest couple. He held her hand almost every time he walked with her and spoke to her in the most gentle way a man could do.

On the last day, we managed to talk to them. We were first talking about their mission work and how they have utilized the Internet to spread the Gospel. I was really impressed when I heard a string of jargon words (for technology like PDF etc.) left Mama Gill's mouth.

I quickly made a mental note. No.1: You can learn new things even if you're old. Never let your age be an excuse to stop learning!

Somehow, towards the end, they learned that Elisha and I are in a LDR. And they said, "Well, with SKYPE now, you guys can talk to each other instantly. Last time, we can only pen letters..and letters take ONE WEEK to reach!" They encouraged and prayed for us that God's blessing will be upon us.

In a nutshell, I'm really thankful that God has sent us people to encourage us..give us a pat on the back and remind us that God is indeed in control and He knows what is best for us. I stood at the beach the previous day, with the wind brushing against my face and was reminded that God's love is as wide as the ocean and I can trust Him cos' He cares for me. Whatever the future holds, it's all safe in His hands.