Little Memories With Aunty.

 These are little moments I shared with Aunty when she was at KL for treatment. It may be short but it is worth the cherish.

#1: I knew you were tired because you had to stay in the hospital from morning till evening while the doctors got you treated. When I heard mum’s car engine, I opened the door for you. You stood there at the door with a smile and greeted me, “Happy Birthday”. Oh yeah, it’s my Birthday. It was sweet of you to remember it! :) The day before my actual Birthday, we were seated at Delicious Restaurant. I wanted Western food. You suggested that we should go to the Japanese Restaurant next door. I obliged. Yeah, I guess we can go there and come back here for dessert, I said softly, unconvinced. So, we stood up, left our tables, told the waitress that we would be back for desserts and walked over to the Japanese Restaurant. As a Birthday girl, I had the privilege to order what I liked. The food came and there’s no doubt that it was the best Jap food in town. You told me you wanted to celebrate my Birthday for many years to come. We chorused, “Yes”. We all want you to get well soonl and be healthy. 

#2: You said your t-shirt collar was too big and you could not find a suitable broach to close the opening. Mum looked through her dressing table and found a few broach but you said they were too big for your liking. We went to Jusco but they were too expensive. Few days passed and you still couldn’t find the broach you wanted.While I was walking along the streets of a night market not too far from home, I stopped at a stall to look if I could get you anything. I picked a small broach which was shaped into a leaf with diamond stuts on it. Hmm, maybe you would like this, I thought. I paid for it and I carried it home safely with me. I went to your room and saw you were lying down with the lights on. I wasn’t sure if you were asleep or you were closing your eyes resting. I walked towards you and tapped gently on your knee. You jolted. I said, I bought a broach for you. You looked at it and said you liked it. I was happy. :) The windows were closed. The room was stuffy. I switched on the air-con, wished you good night and switched off the lights so you could rest. You wore the broach with the t-shirt the next few days. 

#3: “Eh, we play mah jong tonight, ok”, I said. I am not a good player. I only know the simple rules. The simplest version which I played with my friends does not include counting ‘points’ (a.k.a. the no-gambling-version). As long as you have a good set of cards, you show your cards to other players and you are the winner. You agreed. I knew you liked Mah Jong because you often played it with your friends in Ipoh. I reached for my Mah Jong set from the shelf and carefully laid the mini tiles on the coffee table. You said they were small. Yes, small and cute. You won three times, effortlessly. :D I cannot remember the details of the game but I remember we had a good time laughing and taking turns to win. We enjoyed each other’s company. :D

#4: It was time for dinner. We decided to eat out.  I asked, “You wanna hold my hand?” You reached for my hand and you jokingly said, “We look like dating couple hor?” I smiled. You rested your arm on me. I touched your dry skin. Your skin was so thin that they looked as though they can be easily bruised. You were physically weak but I knew that you had a strong mind and spirit to fight the disease. You had a very strong willpower to withstand the side effects of your medication and you seldom complained about your physical pain.

#5: Other little memories..

My family planned to visit you in Ipoh next week. We talked about the food that we could eat during our visit-dim sum, chee cheong fun, tau fu fa, kai si hor fun and many more. You said, “You come down lah. I take you to eat lah.” The time did not come. Your body continued to deteriorate and the Lord decided to take you home last week on 28th July 2010-10.16 a.m at ICU. Our hearts grieve because we miss your presence.  

You are at Home with the Lord with no pain and no tears. You’ve done well. You fought well. We will meet again on heaven shores. As for the little memories, I thank God for the times I had with you. I will keep it safe. 

Steven Curtis Chapman

With Hope

This is not at all 

How we thought it was suppose to be

We hadso many plans for you

We has so many dreams

But now you’ve gone away

ANd left us with the memories of your smile

And nothing we can say

And nothing we can do

Can Take away the pain

The pain of losing you

And we will cry with hope

We can say good-bye with hope

‘Cause we know our good-bye is not the end

And we will grieve with hope

‘Cause we believe with hope

There’s a place where we’ll see your face again

We’ll see your face again

And never have I known

Anything so hard to understand

And never have I questioned more

The wisdom of God’s plan

But through the cloud of tears

I see the Father smile and say ’ well done.’

And I imagine you

Where you wanted most to be

Seeing all your dreams come true

‘Cause now your home

And now your free

Chorus

We have this hope as an anchor

‘Cause we believe that everything

God promises us is true

Chorus

We wait with hope

And we ache with hope

We hold on with hope

We let go with hope 

During these moments, I asked the Lord, “Why, Why would you allow this to happen?”, “Why have you taken 3 of my relatives, a friend, a good father of my best friend in just over two years? Have you not know that I have been crying myself to sleep and waking up at 5 a.m., with tears still streaming down my cheeks? Have you not know that I was in pain? Have you not know that I have been fighting against my strong emotions? Didn’t you know that I have my own limits? Didn’t you know that I have been in my lowest? Didn’t you know that I have problem concentrating? I keep misplacing my things. I forget what I told people or what they told me.” While I struggled with these thoughts, the Lord who is present in times of need, assured me that this is only temporary pain and He knows how it is like to lose someone whom we loved because He cried and mourned when Lazarus was dead. He knows how it was to be lonely and sad. Despite all these, He has promised to be with us-EMMANUEL, God with us. He will wipe every tear. He will listen to our cries. No matter how painful the journey is, let the Lord’s name be praised. If we can accept the good days from Him, we can definitely accept the bad days too. His timing is always perfect. He will take care of us. Then, my questions of “Why would you..” and “Didn’t you know” turned to “How, Lord, would you want me to respond?”. May God’s name be blessed during good times and bad times. I might not understand every single event that happened but I know He, with the greatest wisdom, would carry us through. 

“I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2

Family

Whatched Mr. Popper's penguin this afternoon. It was pretty entertaining. I like the penguins. In this movie of animated penguins and the hilarious actor, Jim Carey, the last few minutes of the film gave a very clear message. It emphasizes that the time you spend with your family is always priceless and that it should be the first priority over your job. Just a year ago, while I was going through a very difficult time, I realize that the most valuable people I have is my family. Yes, siblings can be annoying. We have to put up with the bad habits. We say hurtful things to one, intentionally or unintentionally. We know which button to press to make the other person irritated.. And so on. Despite all these, we cannot deny that your family are a bunch of people who would stand by your side when the going gets tough or when you want some support. They are the ones who accept you for who you are, celebrate your achievements and share your deepest sorrow. And for that, we would have to guard the time we set aside for our families-be it a simple dinner or a stroll at a park. Appreciate them because they are your social support.

Last semester of Psychology

I know I haven' t been updating my blog for several reasons. But, I guess, why leave my blog untouched when there is so much things to write about. Anyway, my main purpose of writing my blog is not so that others could read it. It is for me to be reflective. :) I would be finishing my last semester in two weeks time. How fast time pass! Just two years ago, I was, here, contemplating whether I should terminate my medical school and change my career path. One year ago, I was busy completing assignments..and after a blink of an eye, I was editing my undergraduate thesis, giving the final touches to it. I'm truly grateful to have the opportunity to pursue what others may think as, "the road less travelled". Although psychology is becoming a popular field, there are still people who think that it is difficult for undergraduate Psychology student to get a job or there is a very few demand for psychologists (which stands untrue till this day). When I graduate, it is time to give back to the society and to share my knowledge and expertise to make a difference in the lives of others even if it meant one or two lives. :D Looking back, my university life has been made vibrant by a few friends..but I also have a fair share of the bitter memories that brought me to revisit my values and self-worth. Well, come to think of it, I cannot expect that life would be all smooth-sailing. If it is, then, I would learn little. After my graduation, thankfully, I am not as clueless as what I would want to do as before. I am given the rare opportunity to write a manuscript to publish my undergraduate thesis. I would have to go through my thesis and correct the mistakes. I would have to make sure that every data is keyed in correctly into the SPSS program and that the statistics interpretation is accurate. I have never thought that I was qualified to be in such a position..but eventually, my wish came through after much persistence and hard work. Thesis was very stressful and emotionally draining..going through it again is like going through another stressful period. When I reflect, I think God is trying to tell me that thesis is not a 'giant' or a thing that should determine my self-worth. I guess, it is time to look at challenges positively so that it is a little easier to cope with it. :) In short, the university chapter is soon coming to an end and an exciting start awaits. :D Yay!

What Does Chinese New Year Mean To You?

Lots of cookies.

KL, a quieter city.

Hanging out with friends.

Playing with cards and mah jong (the non-gamble version).

Big dinner, huge ones that made your stomachs bloat.

Full 8 hours, uninterrupted sleep (except when the neighbor's car alarms go off or they

start pressing their 'hons' for whatever reasons; fireworks).

Meeting up with relatives that you have not kept in contact for many years.

This year's CNY is like bitter-sweet. But, I can't decide which one came first.

Things That Are Beyond Our Understanding.

It's true. There are a few things in life that I cannot seem to understand. For countless times, I've asked myself, "Why me?", "Why should I deserve such a thing?"etc. I do not know why God put me in such situations, very difficult ones-some that I dare not want to face alone and never did I think it was coming my way. People always say, "Let go." Two words-easier said than done. 'Letting go' is to be aware of how you feel inside, acknowledge the emotions and then, let it go.

Some say, "Forgive". Forgive means to put down your ego. Forgive means humility-to admit that we have to give space for others' mistakes because we are not perfect ourselves. Forgive means that you choose to love the unlovely, the ones that made a scar inside you. Like every decision, forgiveness is a choice done deliberately. It requires action rather than a mere thought. And when you forgive, you'd be like a bird escaping from the cage of grudges, hurt, and pride.

We would find it difficult to forgive..unless we have experienced the forgiveness that God has given to us when we first chose to rebel against Him and ignore Him-even underestimating His glorious power. Forgiveness (with God's intervention) is made possible.

Fully forgiving, letting go of the past, erasing memories that repeatedly play in the mind and moving on. I never knew the process could be long....